a christmas dinner [dated 12/23/2015]

[puckandpie]

I'm not sure whether or not this really counts as a romantic dinner. Considering the fact that my stomach is all tied up in knots for entirely the wrong reasons, I'd say it isn't, but it's still a dinner for two and I even made a centerpiece out of a little mini-wreath and a big red candle. Dinner itself is a simple fettuccine alfredo with garlic bread, a ceasar salad, and some homemade eggnog. And pie, of course. Sour cherry. I can only hope it goes over as well as the scones.

His presents -- a jar of sour cherry jam, an electric fan for his bedroom, a four-month skating pass to DIA, and a cookbook of easy recipes -- are all individually wrapped and sitting on the counter. The wrapping paper for the fan is a little scratched up thanks to Elvis deciding the ribbon was a toy, but I'm hoping he either won't notice or mind too much.

I'm just putting Elvis into his little playpen (I've discovered it is absolutely impossible to eat while he's out and shutting him away in my bedroom just breaks my heart so playpen it is) when the doorbell rings.

"Okay," I tell Elvis as he meows up at me. "You be a good boy, y'hear?"

Pulling in a breath and smoothing out the front of my button-up, I open the door, smiling immediately when I see Simon. And ignoring the sharp pang in my chest that knows this smile isn't going to last.

I'm not doing anything today though. Not right before Christmas.

"Hi!" I say instead, holding open the door for him. "You're right on time!"

Comments

[worst_greatest_one]

I don't expect him to bring up Baz, and I wonder what's between them. I warned Bitty away from him ages ago, but in the time since, Baz has been different, kinder, though the way Bitty says his name now, I wonder if that kindness has only extended to me.

"Baz has been," I start, but I have no idea how to finish that. "I hope he hasn't been awful to you. I really like spending time with you, too, Bits." And I feel like something is happening here, but I don't know how to stop it. "Do you want to be my boyfriend?" I ask, and even as I say it, it sounds more like a question than an invitation.

[puckandpie]

It doesn't feel right to tell Simon how unpleasant Baz has been lately. I know why he has been and I guess, on some level, I can't blame him. If our roles were reversed, if Derek was dating someone else, I might have a hard time with it, too.

I'd like to think I wouldn't be a jerk, but I know not everyone reacts the same.

There's a hesitance in his question and, even so, there's a part of me that wants to say yes. But it's less about Simon -- as wonderful as he is -- and more that I just want to be a boyfriend. I want someone to like me, to want me around enough, to be proud to call me theirs. And that's not fair. Simon deserves someone better, someone who truly loves him or could love him.

And I don't know if that could be me right now.

As sure as I am, it still hurts when I shake my head, the heavy weight of guilt unmistakable in my stomach. "You really are wonderful," I tell him, desperate he not take it personally. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."

It's a lie. I know exactly what's wrong with me. But telling the boy I've sort of been seeing for the past month that I've been stupidly gone for a werewolf this entire time, seems needlessly mean.

[worst_greatest_one]

I don't even understand what that means. He doesn't want to be my boyfriend, and I'm not sure if he wants to even date, but there's a meal and presents and that feels like a date. But the thing that sends the stab of anxiety into my gut is that Bitty looks sad, and I stand up, dragging my chair over to his so that we're close.

"Bits," I say, "I don't quite get what's happening here. Do you want to see other people and me? Or..." My stomach sinks, and again I think of Agatha, how hard it'd been to understand that she didn't want to be mine anymore. We made so much sense together, but Bitty and I...we make sense, too, but he doesn't feel like my future.

My expression gentles, and I put my hand on his knee. "Or not me?"

[puckandpie]

Simon scoots his chair closer and I feel an immediate pang of both anxiety and concern, worried I've upset him and worried about his wounded side.

He doesn't seem angry at least, or in too terribly much pain, but that look on his face doesn't make me feel a whole lot better. My shoulders slump again and I know I shouldn't take his hand right now, I shouldn't let myself touch him, but I do it anyway, tucking my thumb against his palm and squeezing.

How do I tell him I want to see one person in particular? One person who isn't him. One person who doesn't want me even though I can't stop thinking about him.

"I don't think I should see anyone right now," I settle on because it doesn't feel like a lie and I don't want him to think it's him that's the problem. "I really, really like you and I think... I think if I wasn't so messed up, I could be better for you." If I wasn't stupid about someone else and someone else wasn't stupid about you," is what I mean but I manage to keep it to myself. Though I still don't think Baz is good enough for him. "You're so nice and interesting and a great kisser and I still really want to be friends. Do you think we can be?"

[worst_greatest_one]

It's the choice I should make. I've been worried about putting him in danger, and I have, over mistletoe. I shouldn't be with anyone, not until I manage to get this chosen one's mantle off my chest. It's just...a lot nicer, knowing there's someone who cares about you. Especially when you're never sure how much time you have.

The way he talks, it seems Bitty will still care, even if he won't want to kiss me anymore. "'Course," I say, squeezing his hand. I hate that he feels messed up. I hate that he seems so unhappy. "Is it the things you went through before me?" I ask, knowing that he still searches the shadows for things that aren't there. "With those things attacking you and Derek?"

My eyes widen, and I remember how much he used to speak of him. "Or is it Derek?"

[puckandpie]

Goodness, he's being so nice, even after all this. I feel stupid suddenly for worrying so much; I should've known he'd be understanding. It's not like I'm breaking his heart or anything.

And then he says Derek's name and I can actually feel the blood drain from my face. God, I'm so obvious.

I let go of him to hide my face in my hands, my elbows resting on the table as I crumple forward. I want to cry. But I won't. Not here. Not right now. Instead I scrub my hands against my cheeks before meeting Simon's eyes again. "I'm so sorry. I thought... It's not. He doesn't see me that way, he probably won't ever see me that way even if sometimes I get these foolish notions that he just might and I swear I didn't think I was seeing you just get over him, but I think... I think maybe I did and didn't realize it. And you don't deserve that, Simon. You don't deserve anything but the very best. I mean, look at you! Look how nice you're being!"

[worst_greatest_one]

"You're easy to be nice to, Bitty," I tell him, and there's a lump in my throat as I realise that it's really over, but my lonely heart hurts for more than me. His cheeks are so pink, and I give in to the urge to give him a hug, though it's a careful one due to the stitches in my side.

"I know you wouldn't do anything cruel on purpose," I say when I pull back. "That's why I've always liked you so much." I smile at him, and I'm sad, but I mean it when I say, "Really kind people like you don't come along that often."

[puckandpie]

Simon wraps his arms around me in a warm hug and I suddenly don't know if I'm doing the right thing after all. How is it he's the one comforting me right now? Why can't my stupid heart be so tied up over someone I won't ever have when there's this perfectly kind, wonderful, amazing, and cute boy right here?

He looks so sad when he pulls back and, again, I know I shouldn't, but I reach up to cup his face, brushing my thumb across his cheek. "You're the kind one," I tell him. My lips tug into a smile then despite the continual ache in my chest. "I'm pretty happy that you were my first real kiss."

[worst_greatest_one]

I laugh, and it loosens my chest enough that I can nod and meet his eyes. "Me, too," I say, because it's rather nice to be his first if I can't be more. "And I'm glad you taught me to skate. I'm glad you wanted to go out at all."

Agatha had been a blessing, but I'm starting to realise just how much she was a shield, too. The way the other students at Watford had looked at me as the years went on, if she hadn't had me, it's possible no one would have. "It's been really nice just to be a boy, and not the Chosen One."

[puckandpie]

Something in his laugh helps me breathe again and my smile immediately feels more genuine as I drop my hand to rest it over his again, squeezing lightly.

"Well, if it helps, even if we aren't dating anymore or only sort of dating, you're always gonna be Simon Snow, the cute boy who liked me enough to kiss me once. And hopefully... hopefully the cute boy who kissed me once and still wants to be my friend."

[worst_greatest_one]

"Of course I do," I tell him, finding humor from somewhere, "Where else am I going to find sour cherry jam in Darrow?" I let myself reach up and brush my fingers through his hair, arranging it rather pointlessly, but I want a last proper touch. "I can't believe I only kissed you once. It's no wonder you're ending things," I say with a faint grin.

[puckandpie]

He reaches up to touch my hair and it's such a simple gesture, but it makes my chest clench all over again. This boy, this sweet, kind, cute boy is touching me so casually and I'm dumb enough to let him go.

"It's really not you," I tell him even though I know he's teasing and even though I know it's the most cliched line in the world. But it's true and he needs to know. Slowly, I lean in toward him, my gaze dropping to his lips briefly as I smile. "But I really wouldn't mind one less kiss. If that's okay?"